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Clearly, I’ve set the stage to make my ex-boyfriend sound like a douchebag.
But the honest truth is that Andy* was intelligent, witty, good-looking and funny — the complete opposite of the basement dwelling loser that some other feminist bloggers would have you believe all PUAs to be.
Make sure you are in touch with the part of yourself that is willing to experiment, willing to do “risky” things that could possibly have you rejected and willing to still bring your balls to the table.
With all that said, online game is heavily weighted toward having a great strategy.
As we had discussions about our past romances and hookups, I noticed that Andy*’s latter category was almost entirely one-night stands with women he’d met in bars and dance clubs during a certain period of time in his life when he went out every weekend with the same group of friends.
Men are taught to engage in certain behaviors to make her feel “safe” in his prescence and even to intentionally insult her (“negging”) to put her off guard.
(A decent background explanation of online PUAs is here on Buzzfeed; my piece about men training to be PUAs in NYC “charm school” classes that ran in the a few years ago tells you how they behave “in the field.”) Sounds dehumanizing? It’s disturbing then, but not entirely surprising, how some PUA sites overlap with “men’s rights activist”/MRA sites — best known for being angry hornets’ nests of bitter men who rant their misogyny in any comment thread that doesn’t ban them.
On the other hand if you make the decision to take 2 minutes a day to record and strategize, you will start getting results very quickly. Step two is: Collect as much feedback as you can about your profile.
Men are amazingly good at getting results when they are focused on getting a result and take an organized, systematic approach. Bonus tip: It also helps to have some examples to work from. After several years of coaching, I’ve probably done this several hundred times at this point: Have someone who’s GOOD at online dating evaluate your profile. Just because there’s lots of information out there, it doesn’t mean that it’s USEFUL information or GOOD information.
Whatever you’re thinking a PUA might look or be like, I bet Andy wouldn’t fit it.